


Galaxy

by megan_ilinx



Series: The Astronomy of Us [1]
Category: GOT7
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Idiots in Love, Love, Pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-16 00:56:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13625154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/megan_ilinx/pseuds/megan_ilinx
Summary: where everything that infested her mind stayed there until the day she told him everything she didn't say||| ||| ||| ||| |||a story in which the stars and black holes of two people collide to form a galaxy of their own.[jackson wang]





	1. a friend of a friend

**Author's Note:**

> lowercase intended xx

Jackson,

i'm sure you can recall how we met. a friend of a friend looking for a friend, you always say. i love it when you do, because your eyes always crinkle just a little when you smile and you laugh at your own silliness.

but anyway, a group of my friends and i were looking for mark (and trust me, it's a good thing you never asked why) and having not being able to find him, we started looking for people who were close to him. after numerous of questions and being redirected from one person to the next, we were pointed to a boy laughing his head off near the pool.

my first thoughts were,  _great, of course it's one of those guys, we're not going to get anything out of him!_ but then sierra walked over to him and tapped his shoulder.

you turned around and smiled down at her. i was surprised for two main reasons; one, sierra actually initiated a conversation with someone outside of our small circle and two, you seemed much friendlier than what i was expecting.

forgive me for that, for judging the book by not it's cover but it's shelf. i only assumed what with the party we found ourselves at and the people you associated with, you'd be a typical arse, but i admit i was wrong.

i actually felt so sorry for you, having sierra speaking so rapidly and having five other girls stare you down as she did. it was quite amusing to see your eyes flicker between us and her. you are by no means an awkward person, but we seemed to bring you discomfort, not that i'm surprised.

finally after what felt like a whole 10 minutes of your confusion and sierra's rapid hand gestures, you nodded and said something to her while pointing to the interior of the house. she replied shortly and waddled quickly back to us, dragging us in the direction you pointed out.

but for such short indirect contact, you fiddled with the strings in my head and caused them to overlap and knot together. your posture was approachable, your smile more bubbly and childlike than what i expected.

_warmth_

that was the word that came to mind when i finally saw you interact with a stranger. unlike most of the guys that day, you didn't smirk or ask inappropriate questions, you didn't make any comments as to why five girls were in desperate search for one boy. no, you Jackson Wang, simply tried to understand what we were looking for and helped us without any further questions.

i don't know why but your behavior towards people stood out to me and it had me thinking. i have never seen you around and at that moment in time, i didn't know your name, but you had me thinking.

i followed my friends into the house, but something in the corner of my mind compelled me to look back and i did. you were smiling at us, amusement and confusion laced your eyes and the corners of your mouth, and when i looked back to my friends arguing and shoving each other through the door, i realized that we must have made as much of an imprint on you as you did on my brain.

so i turned away and put my head down between the chaos, walking into the house and away from the sound. not only my friends bickering but the sound of my thoughts booming and entangling the more i stayed in an area with you in sight.

this was the start of something, this much was obvious, even then i knew it. the only thing that really surprises me is the planets and stars of both our stories and memories mixing and creating a galaxy of it's own. the problem with this is, it's neither a good or bad thing.

 


	2. careful

Jackson,

you surprised us all when not even three hours later, you walked over to us with a vibrant smile and asked if we had found mark. the answer was no, simply because the boy had decided to leave when we needed him the most.

your eyebrows furrowed and the left corner of your mouth pulled down slightly, like it normally does when you're unsatisfied, when sierra told you this.

**_huh, he must've left then,_ ** **_i_ ** **_'m sorry_ **

you said, but your apology was unneeded and it only had my brain over functioning more.  _why the apology? it's not like it's his fault._ and my face must've shown my confusion because your eyes flickered to me for a few seconds before going back to sierra.

she smiled awkwardly and shook her head, dismissing your unnecessary apology. she explained that we would get ahold of him at some point. you nodded and i thought that would be the end of your appearance, but no, again with you and your surprises. you asked if we minded you joining us, and neither of us disagreed, so you sat down opposite to three of us, being next to sierra and noelle. you asked us many questions, mainly involving where we were from, who we were and our relation to mark. most of the talking was done by the rest of the group while i observed every bit of you.

the way you nodded when you were listening to a story of some sort.

the way your expressions were comical but were out of reflex and couldn't be so easily acted.

the way you made an input in the conversation and shared some things with us too, as if to make us more comfortable.

the way you focused on the person speaking, like you were trying to gather hints from their body language.

and to be honest, these were all the reasons i felt the need to be careful around you. i always had to be careful around people who seemed so  _humane._ i didn't know you and that was what made me so cautious.

but then again, if i'm being honest, watching you was truly enjoyable.

the way you laughed with your whole body.

the way you made comments that made us laugh and looked out for our reactions.

the way you dramatized the silliest of things.

the way you expressed yourself.

it all caught my attention and it caused this war in my head. where the human part of me told me to give you the slightest of a benefit of a doubt, but the more knowledgeable part of me wouldn't hear a word of it.

so you can only guess how much you annoyed me at first. not that i blame you for being who you are but rather for showing that to me and making the curious part of me spark with excitement at a new found experiment.

because before your collision of stars and black holes, that's what people were to me and my brain.

experiments.

and don't be offended, Wang, it's just how i was before i met you. or rather not met you, but studied you.

because after all, that's what people do with experiments, right?


	3. peculiar

Jackson,

you know, sometimes it blows me away how incredibly annoying you can be and yet i still somehow find the patience to stick around.

especially considering that you basically stalked us down after that night. we separated after a group of your friends had called you aside and mine and i had decided to head on home.

we weren't really a party crowd, not without booze, but we weren't drinking that night. we were there for no reason but i guess that no such thing exists. things happen as they should and had we not decided to show up for the sake of curiosity, you wouldn't have found us a week later at the small restaurant we always end up at on a tuesday afternoon.

that day was particularly the best for me, it was raining heavily and it was on a tuesday, i had cup of tea in front of me and it was my ideal scenario. i always loved rainy tuesdays and you could never understand why.

**_what, exactly, is so special of it raining on a tuesday?_ **

you'd ask me, and i'd always shrug but never answer you. because i don't have a real answer. i don't like tuesdays in particular, but when it's raining on a tuesday, i find it to be perfect.

**_peculiar child._ **

****you'd say with a smile while flicking my forehead and i'd accept it, because i knew even as peculiar as i was, you'd always be the worst.

but that particular tuesday, you walked into the restaurant and spotted our little group to the back, three tables away from the window, you smiled and walked over. and from our entire group, i was the least surprised. i had come to the conclusion that with you, the best moments were always the unexpected things you'd do. which was basically everything.

noelle smiled politely as she greeted you, sierra offering her little wave, which you laughed at and returned. daisy, gabrielle and ivy all greeted you with the same enthusiasm. but when you looked at me, i said nothing and only offered a half hearted smile.

this didn't seem to faze you, because you smiled warmly and half bowed. i didn't really understand why you had done this with only me and no one else, but i decided to brush it off. my mood was perfect, it was raining and it was a tuesday, i had my tea warm in front of me, so i didn't allow anything to ruin it.

you conversed so easily with everyone, explaining how you had asked around to find us, which you were obviously both teased and interrogated for. but throughout the entire meeting, i remained to myself. you had addressed me a few times,

but it surprised me the most when you actually used my name.

**_meredith, your tea is getting cold_ **

instantly you had my attention. my eyes snapped to you and you had yours narrowed every so slightly, but still your face reflected kindness. i nodded slowly and picked up my cup and thanked you quietly.

the left corner of your mouth pulled up slightly and you nodded once in acknowledgement.

i drank my tea then, completely surprised by myself for having to be reminded that it was there. it was the perfect setting for tea, my ideal setting for it in fact, and yet i had to be reminded by you.

it unsettled me greatly. because after that my mood had fallen and there was no longer a perfect setting, no matter how brightly the lightning struck or how heavy the rain sounded on the windows.

so when i left the restaurant after our light meal, i was disgruntled and my friends could tell.

but apparently that didn't seem to be a barrier for you.

because as i walked on the sidewalk, my umbrella in my backpack instead of out and protecting me from the droplets of water, you ran after me with yours and walked beside me. i looked at you oddly, but you just smiled and walked on, saying absolutely nothing.

i grew annoyed with you and decided to just walk to wherever to see what exactly you had in mind, but even as we walked to a park, around the block and back to the park, you asked no questions, made no comments or struck no conversation.

finally i stopped to turn to you. i had just opened my mouth to question you, but you beat me to it with a smile, saying,

**_where to now princess?_ **


	4. a chance

Jackson,

you're incredibly determined, you know that? your persistence is to the point of annoying. i seem to use that term a lot when i talk about you.

but don't worry, i can never seem to mean it negatively. i can't seem to ever find anything to fault you on besides you caring about everyone else but yourself. you really need to stop that, honestly.

it's not healthy, Wang, it really isn't.

trust me, i can tell you a lot about it.

but back to your antics, specifically your persistence. i sent you home that tuesday, but you refused. you pabo.

i was in honestly no mood for company or even worse, someone as passionate as you. but you dear soul, you refused to leave me to walk home alone in the rain, no matter how little you knew about me.

i gave in after your long lecture, mostly because it's the most serious i had seen you since we had met. your face was slack of emotion and your eyebrows rose when you said something with emphasis. you were truly concerned about me. you pabo.

we walked in silence again, but this time it didn't seem to irk you as much. you always have way too much energy for some things. it's refreshing sometimes.

when we finally got to my building, i turned to face you. my hands in my jacket's pockets and my head only slightly raised to face your neck.

**thank you**

is all i said as i made a move to enter the reception, but you pulled me back, your eyebrows furrowed and your lips pulled down.

**_do i bother you?_ **

your voice showed that you meant what you asked and it shocked me a little bit. i had honestly thought you hadn't cared about what others thought, you seemed so sure of yourself and who you were. but then again, Jackson, you are only human.

i instantly felt bad then. you were sweet, you still hadn't shown me any side of you that could hurt me, but i still didn't know you. so i shook my head and sighed.

 

**i'm sorry, i'm just not good with people.**

 

that's when you smiled brightly and made me second guess even opening my mouth.

**_that's okay, as long as you give a chance._ **

 

i wanted to tell you that i didn't know if i could give you that, that i wasn't sure about you and that you totally confused the wiring of my brain, but before i could say anything, you stepped away.

you walked a few meters away from me before you turned back like i did the night we met you.

 

**_don't run away now princess._ **

 

back then i didn't know that even if i wanted to,

i couldn't.


	5. room

Jackson,

it took exactly two weeks, of you walking me home from work and the restaurant and showing up late afternoons to drag me around the city, for me to actually start missing your presence when you were not around.

it's funny now that i think of it. you were an experiment for around three days when i decided that you were way too interesting to treat like work.

when we were out, it actually made me feel guilty for even thinking of making you my new project. not that i would've hurt you in doing so, i would've just studied you as a person and added another personality to my book of people. of course, in the beginning i was not meant to get close to you, for that particular reason.

it was a sunday, you knocked on my door at exactly 22:37. i remember because i checked before answering after the seventh knock. in my mind, i drew to the conclusion that it was either you or sierra.

seeing you at my door that night, was not the surprise, it was seeing your drained expression, the bags under your eyes and seeing the struggle of  _something_  in your appearance.

you were about to say something, but i had already dragged you into my apartment. i sat you down and just stood there for a while to look at you. i could see that you wanted to explain why you had come to me, but i silenced you. and when i did, you dropped your head into your hands and your breathing pattern became irregular.

and Jackson, i swear on all i have, my heart tore its muscle every time your body wracked.

i was frozen in place for a while, both in shock and uncertainty of what to do.

so slowly, i sat down beside you, grabbed your hand closest to me and held it in mine. you lifted your head to look at me, and i almost lost it. your eyes were tinged red, making the bags even worse. you were sickly pale, but nothing compared to the forlorn expression you wore.

no matter how hard you tried to smile or cheer yourself back up, i could see the pain and hear the screams inside of you.

**_i'm such a crybaby._ **

you joked with a half arsed smile and a roll of the eyes. i had none of it.

i pulled on the hand in mine and had you tell me what was wrong. it took a lot for you to actually give in.

and honestly, Wang, i know how strong you are, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. those tears were not the result of one incident, but rather one too many.

 

**_she's not in love with me anymore._ **

 

that was what you told me, brushing it off like it was one of your silly dramatic stories you always told, but it wasn't.

you see, back then, i never once thought of someone else being in the picture. in your picture, but there was, she was.

i can tell you this much though, even as full of surprises as you are, that sunday could never be topped.

you refused to talk about it further and i was happy, because i was always awkward when it came to such things. emotions were just too much of a hassle for me. not that it's any better now.

we were silent then, you sighing heavily and shook your head. you started to get up and i let you, but it was when you said,

 

**_i'm sorry i came to disturb you this late. you really don't need to deal with this.\_ **

 

that i knew already that there was room.

so i took your hand again and pulled you back,

 

**i have room for you, so stay.**


	6. anyone else

Jackson,

tell me exactly how it came to be that within a month of knowing each other, you had stayed with me for many nights, met my parents and been more to their house than i have for the entire year.

you had basically become a normality in my life. i heard of you from everyone close to me, i saw you almost everyday and sometimes i'd make the mistake of either thinking or talking of you.

it was clear now. you were way too close to me for someone who had only existed to me for a month.

but isn't that incredible? you could go your entire life not knowing of the existence of someone until that split second that they enter your life.

but my point is, you had everyone around me in the palm of your hand, because that's who you are. you attract people, in every way possible.

maybe that was my mistake actually, not seeing this from the beginning.

you'd team up with my sisters to tease me, have a laugh with my father, and honestly i don't know how, but you'd have fun and playful conversations with my mother.

you got away with so much because your personality is so big and welcoming. and i applaud you for getting through to me.

Wang, i don't understand it, but i've accepted how quickly we've become what we are. and even with all the misunderstandings and wrong impressions from others, we somehow managed to be fine with who we are together.

and to think, i thought i had you all figured out at that party, but i was clearly wrong.

you wouldn't scratch my head or play with my hair,

you wouldn't come over just to listen to me read you a story,

you wouldn't make sure my trip from and to work was good and i was safe,

you wouldn't have invested the amount of time in me as you did,

if you were like anyone else.

but you're not, so thank God. you, as you are, annoying, cute, determined, loving, kind, humane, makes me thankful for going to that party and looking for mark.

it was one of those nights that you had decided to stay over at mine. daisy and sierra were over that afternoon, but you decided to invade, just to annoy them.

only your plan didn't work out as planned because we all ended up having fun together more than anything. but it was when they left that you plopped down on my cheap couch and reached for my hand.

you pulled me down with so much force that most of my body weight was on you. you laughed aloud when I fumbled to get my seating right.

you always seemed to find me being a mess so funny. you'd tease and mock me, yet still hug me tightly after it all.

but anyways, when i finally got myself comfortable, you pulled me to lay against you. and by then, i was used to your touchy ways. whenever you had the chance, you'd make contact, even in the simplest of ways.

 

**_well princess, movies or old cliché_ ** **_d_ ** **_dramas?_ **

 

you asked, your arm tight around my body. in the beginning, i was not as comfortable with cozying up to you, but after all the times of you keeping me a close to you, i finally gave in.

it was this particular night that i was actually so comfortable, that i fell asleep in your arms.

when i woke up later, i was comfortably tucked away in my bed, my covers up to my neck and my body curled up.

i knew it was you and for some reason, it made me smile.

the rest of that night, i couldn't sleep. not when you were in the next room over, your body restfully at peace.

not when i had just realized i was in too deep.


	7. loved and lost

Jackson,

4 months. that was how long i had known you for when i started growing feelings that were way too soon to be there.

but can i really be to blame?

you paid so much attention to detail with me, and i'm a sucker for the little things.

i loved when we ate out that you'd always order my food and remember that i hated the taste of onions in my mouth, so you'd have them remove it.

i loved how you'd remind me to take my pills because they always helped me sleep better at night.

i loved the fact that you knew which sweater was my absolute favorite and when we had our nights of walking around aimlessly, you'd bring it with without even asking if i needed it.

and even more, i love that it was your sweater.

but just like every single one of these letters to you, this one is about a specific moment of us in time. not that i can really call it 'us'.

you had decided that the weather was perfect for ice cream, and if you can remember correctly, it was freezing cold that day.

we were sat outside, watching everyone else shuffle around to get into somewhere warm. i, of course, had my favorite sweater on, being careful to not mess on it.

you, up to your antics again, would use the back of your scoop to paint my face with your ice cream. i had stripes of chocolate down my cheeks, on my nose, along my jawline and i had given up on even trying to clean it up.

you laugh was much too nice to ruin it, even if you were laughing at your own doings. every time you'd look at me and i'd glare at you, you'd give that high pitched laugh that i always loved hearing, because it was so infectious.

this all came to end all too soon. i was in the process of threatening your future generation and you were just listening with a cheeky smile, but all too quickly it fell into a look of heartbreak and anger.

a look i knew all too well.

i called out to you, but you didn't seem to hear, so i turned to see what you were looking at.

a couple not far down the street, gazing lovingly at each other and speaking in quiet whispers, making their way down to us, not that they really knew this.

and when you noticed them approaching, you got up, grabbed my hand and pulled me up. you walked away with speed, the thump of your heavy footsteps echoing in my chest.

you had disposed of your ice cream and mine had melted into a mess. you said nothing to me on the way back to my apartment, but i had put two and two together.

it was the  _she_. the she that broke you and left you a mess in my apartment that sunday. the she that made me realize you were two steps too far from me.

i remained quiet on the walk back, my hand tight in yours, scared that if i let go, you'd turn and run back to her.

you know, i always hate admitting to things, but Jackson, i was scared that day.

scared to lose you to someone who had you before.

it really angered me actually, how i could still see the love in your eyes along with the pain and anger.

but i shook my head, because i was being selfish, and i couldn't do that to you. not when you've been everything colorful in my life.

so when we walked into my living space and you sighed and leaned on my door, i knew that i couldn't be the girl to confess all these things to you when you were still on the edge of heart matters with someone else.

it just wouldn't be fair.

so i kept my mouth shut that night, took your hand and pulled you into me. i wanted you to lean on me, to allow me to be there for me, and you did.

my heart soared when you buried your face in my hair, still somehow finding the strength to tell me that my hair smelt nice.

i chuckled and only held you tighter. i so badly wanted to say something then, to tell you she was lost, that she'd made a grave mistake, but it wasn't true.

as much as i disliked her, she couldn't help how her heart felt.

 

just like you couldn't.

and just like i couldn't.


	8. more of the loved and lost

Jackson,

you met my little niece not long after that. two weeks later, if we're being precise now.

mishka loved you, so much so that she called you uncle. and even though it caught you off guard, you smiled and accepted it. and still it blows my mind, how quickly you seemed to be accepted into the hearts of everyone.

you carried her around, tickled and played with her. you spoiled the girl rotten out of the kindness of your heart.

she had caught you calling me princess and she found it the most spectacular thing ever. and when you called her queen, she couldn't stop giggling.

my family loved you, every single one of them. maybe that's why my heart couldn't handle seeing you with them.

you were just so comfortable with them, that you were already part of the family. but with the feelings that clawed at my chest, it was hard to see and not infester them further.

we had babysat mishka a total of 4 times since you had met her and each time was a complete mess. not the situation, but rather my apartment.

you'd come up with all these games and things to do with her. you'd run around with her, while i sat on the couch, trying to watching something on tv.

but it was when lora and her husband had went out to some festival, and we had mishka, that things got a bit severe.

we were all cuddled up on my cheap couch, watching little mermaid, which like her mother, was mishka's favorite. the movie was nearing the end with the wedding, when she turned to you,

 

**uncle, are you and aunty going to get married too?**

 

my heart stopped beating in my chest and moved further up to beat in my throat instead. i couldn't look at you without dying of embarrassment.

you were obviously shocked but you started to laugh softly and you looked down at her,

 

**_do you want me to marry your aunty?_ **

 

mishka seemed to think for a while before she nodded her head, laying down on my chest.

 

**yes, you make her laugh more than gramps.**

 

this made you laugh even more.

 

**_so we should get married because i make her laugh?_ **

 

this time she shook her head, hands clinging to my favorite sweater.

 

**no, because you guys love each other.**

 

i looked away then, feeling the impending tension thicken between us. it was uncomfortable and i felt like leaving but i was trapped.

you looked at me for a second before you looked down at the small body leaning on me, falling asleep.

you smiled nonetheless and stroked my arm to gain my attention.

 

**_hey, it's okay, she just likes seeing us together. don't feel awkward or anything._ **

 

i nodded my head and kept thinking that i couldn't have you and mishka around at the same time if she was going to say things like this and make me feel like i was lost in a maze.

 

**_plus, it's not like she's wrong._ **

 

your words caused all my functions to fail and i felt my body drop for a second.

i looked at you in shock and confusion and you just chuckled and grabbed my hand, holding it in yours.

 

**_i mean, we've become so close after the past few months, it's inevitable that we'd grow to love each other. you've become such a close friend to me, obviously i love you._ **

 

that made much more sense. and even though, i felt discomfort in my chest still and my brain over working again, I nodded my head and smiled back at you.

i didn't expect you to declare your romantic love for me, Wang, it was way too soon for that and i wouldn't be able to return those feelings then if you were to.

i didn't  _love_  you then, but I did feel something then. a flower bud was growing and preparing to blossom and it honestly scared me.

 

**i love you too, Wang.**

 

you grinned at my words and pulled both me and mishka to you. careful not disturb her sleep.

i fell asleep that night with a heavy heart and unclear head.


	9. 12

Jackson,

12 months seem to fly by. especially when it's spent with you.

you literally burst into my apartment two weeks ago, smiling like crazy. you ran up to me, picking me up and spinning me around.

 

**_it's been a year! can you believe it? i've known this short stack of pancakes for a full year today._ **

 

i laughed at your excitement and hugged you back, just as surprised by the year that flew by. a year with many emotions and feelings growing for you, but none of which i would tell you about. 

 

**_let's celebrate, a nice dinner, just us two._ **

 

with the last part of your sentence, you pointed at me with a jokingly strict look. i nodded my head, smiling more to myself.

ever since that day we babysat mishka, i had tried to grow some distance from you, tried avoiding being alone with you, but it was practically impossible. you always made an effort to spend time with me and just me alone.

when i told you i loved you, i didn't expect for it to be that easy. back then, it had only been three months, but now we've been saying it everyday.

and everyday i meant it a bit more than you did.

you left me to go see someone and to get myself ready. i was way too lazy to pick out something too dressy, so i pulled out a black skater dress and my vans. i left my hair loose in its curls, because you loved to play with it.

so when you showed up again in a shirt half buttoned, tucked into a pair of black skinny jeans, i laughed at how similar we were when it came to being fancy.

we just weren't the fancy type, and i loved it.

you grinned when you noticed i actually wore a dress, commenting continuously how you never knew my legs existed with amount of skinny jeans i wear.

i have to tell you, Jackson, that night truly felt more like a date than just a celebration of our friendship, and it made me so cautious. I was so scared to expect more from you.

because i knew you wouldn't be able to see us the way i did, not when you were broken by someone you gave everything to, and especially because you treated me the exact same way you treated all of my friends.

do you know how much that hurt? to have something so emotional become physically hard to bear. and you made it so hard with your light touches, warm smiles and holding me when i needed you to.

when you walked me back that night, you stopped me at the door. suddenly your stance was unsure and you looked a bit nervous.

 

**_uh, meredith,_ **

 

you started, and i could tell this was either going to be really good or really bad.

i gestured for you to continue and braced myself against the door. i never knew what to think when it came to you and the fact that you used my name and not one of your silly nicknames, made me anxious. i was now sitting on the edge of a cliff.

 

**_do you know what sierra thinks of me?_ **

 

i was a bit confused for a second but then i quickly caught on to what you meant and i felt all my organs falling flat in my body like i had just fallen from the tallest building on to the cold hard concrete.

i remained quiet and you looked at me shyly and laughed, shaking your head.

 

**_i mean, i know it sounds crazy... but i think i may have feelings for her._ **

 

and just like that, my whole night turned to darkness and i couldn't even recall the good memories of our dinner.

thinking of the way you held my hand when we walked to and from the restaurant didn't help.

of the way, you kissed my forehead while we waited to be seated.

of the way you wouldn't let go of my hands because they were cold, so you kept them warm in your sleeves.

none of this made any difference to the heartache that felt like it was breaking every bone in my body.

but i couldn't say or do anything. i wasn't going to hurt or confuse you out of selfishness.

i was so blinded by my own feelings for you, i barely noticed the feelings developing between you two.

so i smiled at you and told you to go for it, to talk to her and tell her and see where it all went.

Jackson, your smile was so radiant when i said that, that i couldn't care about anything else, not even my own broken soul.

you hugged me tightly, but when you made a move to kiss my forehead again, i pushed you away and hurriedly said goodnight, disappearing behind my door.

 

i waited to hear your retreating steps before i sunk down to the floor and let out all my pain. falling asleep in tears and waking up broken to the sun rising.


	10. broken and disappearing

Jackson,

the next day when you called, my voice was scratchy and hoarse, immediately you asked me what was wrong.

i told you i had caught a cold and was currently in bed, trying to recover.

you offered to come over and stay by me, but i denied your offer, saying that i didn't want you to get sick.

i guess you can now tell that i lied. i'm sorry for lying, but i couldn't face you then. the mere thought of someone so close and precious to me being the person you chose to give your mended heart to, broke me all over again.

but what exactly could i do? you couldn't help the way you felt.

but then again, neither could i.

i missed you so much but i couldn't see you, because my heart was conflicted and lost and i was in the midst of disappearing into a chaos of black holes.

we had built up a galaxy within 12 months. a galaxy being the result of soft and mesmerizing collisions. but there was one fault on my side. i had forgotten how far away galaxies were from earth and that was my downfall.

living in a galaxy meant to stay far from reality.

so please forgive me.

but out of all of this, do you know what hurt me the most, Wang? when you showed up four hours later with a bag of chocolates, ice cream and pizza and my favorite sweater.

you marched into my room and sat the bag down on my lap, placing your hands on you hips. i was angry. i didn't want you there, but i didn't have the courage and strength to fight you.

you were weakening my immune system and making me ill. ill with feelings that festered and couldn't be expressed.

this was the true definition of love sick.

 

**_move up, princess._ **

 

you scooted me over, slipped the sweater over my head and pulled my head to lay on your chest. your fingers ran through my brushed hair.

after a while, you began to sing to me. you rarely did that, singing i mean. and your voice was so pleasing, even with talking, but when you sang, the huskiness lulled me to sleep.

i clenched my eyes close tightly, my hands shaking and clinging to your tshirt.

i cried like a baby that day in your arms, my fear of losing you too real to bear.

soon, there'd be a new she and i wouldn't have you any longer.

not the way i did then.

 

**_woah woah woah, princess, why are you crying?_ **

 

you pulled me up so you can see my face, but i struggled against you, not wanting to show my pain.

i kept shaking my head to show you that i didn't want to talk about it, but you had none of it.

 

**_hey, tell me. i want to be there for you, pancake. let me in._ **

 

that caused me start crying all over again, feeling fresh hot tears streak down my cheek and this time, i knew i couldn't anymore.

 

**Jackson, please go.**

 

my voice was soft but you heard me and your expression showed your shock. you were completely confused and a little frustrated.

 

**_meredith, what happened? did someone do something? just let me help you, please._ **

 

but i couldn't and you couldn't. no when you were what happened.

 

**please, Jackson, i just need you to go.**

 

your face fell and the tears wouldn't stop. you were making it much harder on me. i knew that you meant no harm, but seeing you near me when your heart is with sierra, made me feel like i had no business to be with you.

i felt like i was only cheating you. you didn't want me, Wang, you wanted her.

 

**go to her.**

 

were the last words i said softly to you before pushing you out of my room and closing the door behind you.


	11. after

Jackson,

i hope you can forgive me. for avoiding you the past week. for not hanging out with you and my friends.

i just couldn't see either two of you without overthinking and feeling like a pest. a person on the sidelines that got way too involved in the story.

i'm a selfish girl and i hope you can forgive me.

Jackson, you became the light in the darkness for me, but i knew you were going to fade soon. you weren't meant to be a lifeline, but I made the mistake of making you one.

so when you hammered your fists on my apartment door, demanding for me to open, i was numb and emotionless. i wanted to wipe you off my memory, forget what you meant to me. but tell me, how could i when you were there, begging for me to open up.

you see, i did open up. i really did, but you weren't seeing it the way i wanted you to.

i don't blame you, for not knowing that me opening up to someone was my way of handing a piece of my heart, or in your case, all of it, over.

 

**_meredith, dammit, just talk to me!_ **

 

your deep voice was hoarse and even more husky and it caused my breathing to be uneven.

i didn't do well in hearing, seeing or feeling your emotions. it was another weakness for me.

so when i opened the door, seeing you breathing heavily with sierra behind you, i regretted ever letting you become my weakness.

you were hurting me and you didn't even know it.

how sad to be the girl unseen, with love breaking her piece by piece.

i shook my head and closed my door again, locking it and walking to my room in tears again.

you had no mercy for me, but i couldn't blame you.

you dear soul, you had no idea how much i had come to fallen for you.

come to love you.

you banged on my door for two more hours when you finally gave up.

and even then, while i was relieved that you had finally left, taking her with you, I still thought to myself...

 

_i hope his hands aren't damaged._


	12. the truth

Jackson,

this time i'm not sorry. i know it's wrong of me to be this way, but it's been far too long for me.

when i fall, i fall hard and i was tired of keeping my pain inside.

i've been calling myself pathetic from month 2, when i started thinking of your smile as the highlight of my day.

and from then on, i kept catching myself staring at your eyes for way too long, leaning into your touch too much, smiling way too often at your antics.

i had accepted my feelings during the 7th month when you picked up my call despite it being 2:23 am and coming over because i felt like utter crap and i didn't know who else to call. you took such good care of me, that it made me realize just how much i appreciated you.

the morning after having you trying to get me to talk to you, i walked out of my room. i was going to make me breakfast, but there was the slightest of sounds coming from my door.

grabbing my broom, I slowly opened my door. and there you were, across my door, on the floor, asleep.

i sank to my knees and watched the furrow of your eyebrows, the slight pout in your lips and how uncomfortable your position looked.

i stepped closer to you and grabbed your hand.

 

**Jackson, wake up.**

 

i spoke softly but it worked. you jumped slightly and your eyes met mine. your lips parted,

 

**_meredith._ **

 

i flinched at the tone in your voice. not because it was harsh, but rather because it was so sweet and sincere despite me ignoring you for a week.

you stumbled as you stood up and pulled me into your arms. i allowed myself to enjoy your safe hold for a few seconds before i moved away, walking back to my door.

that's when you got angry. you shouted out my name, the frustration clear now as you followed me.

 

**_what the hell is wrong with you?_ **

 

and even when i should've been intimidated, i found your anger utterly attractive and it disgusted me.

i whispered for you to forget it and gestured for you to leave.

 

**_no! you're going to tell me what is going on, because honestly meredith, i'm so confused. you've been ignoring me for a week and i know it's not just me. the girls are just as worried, meredith. so tell me._ **

 

you had closed the door to my apartment and i had my back to you, hyperventilating.

tears were threatening to fall again and i was tired. so tired of crying over you.

 

**JUST LEAVE!**

 

i screamed through my tears, turning to you.

you were shocked for a bit but then your face softened and you took slow steps towards me, softly taking my hand in yours.

but i pulled it back forcefully. i shook my head violently, hiccuping through my tears.

 

**stop it, stop it! stop messing with my heart!**

 

you looked so confused and of course you would be. you were about to ask me what i meant or so i guess because i never gave you the chance to speak.

 

**Jackson, i'm tired. i am so tired of hiding. i can't look at you without wanting to break down. i can't look at you without thinking how lucky she is, or what she did exactly that i didn't.**

**i can't be around you, holding your hand, falling asleep beside you** **or** **in your arms without feeling like i'm cheating you.**

**Jackson, i fell for you and I've been trying to deny it or hide** **it** **for so long, but i'm tired now. so there it is. this is what you wanted right? the truth?**

**so there it is, Jackson Wang. i'm in love with you and that's where it stays. your heart belongs to** **sierra** **and i can't blame you. she's such an amazing human, i can see exactly why you'd fall for her. but that's the end of the story. i love you and you love her.**

**i'm sorry that i can** **'t** **be around you guys, but please excuse me if my heart tears apart when i see the way you guys are so perfect** **together.**

 

**i just want you to be happy, Jackson, that's why i can't be around you anymore. i don't want to be a drag.**

 

those were the last words i said to you in person. because after saying what i had to say, i left you there shell-shocked in my apartment.

i haven't returned since. but don't worry, i'm safe where i am, if you ever wondered about me.

i haven't heard from anyone since then, considering i left that morning with only the contents in my car and my favorite sweater. no phone, no clothes and no keys to my apartment.

but i don't regret anything, Wang. i finally told you what festered inside of me for months. the bubble had burst. and i have no idea where you are now.

it's been a few days now, Jackson. and i'm sorry for leaving the way i did. but this is your story now. i can't do anything else now.

my cards are on the table.

whether you decide to accept it or not,

is up to you.

you'll know where to find me if you need to, Wang. i'm not gone unless you want me to be.

 

love,  
meredith.


End file.
